Vatican solution to child abuse scandal

'LET US SAVE THE CHILDREN!'
Vatican Claims to have Resolvesd Child Abuse Scandal.

Today a figure purporting to be a high ranking Vatican official announced, in an impromptu press interview, that the Holy See has not only been working behind the scenes to rectify what could possibly be centuries of previously unrecognised (or at least undisclosed) errors in judgement which resulted in perhaps millions of children growing up psychologically damaged by clerical pedophilia, while fellow clergy, either conspiratorially or following orders sent down from on high, chose to ignore the children in order to protect the Church's good name. Now however, proclaimed the Cardinal, 'Mother'Church' has extinguished this lascivious flame once and for all time.

Cardinal Rodenhumer read a brief preamble, copies of which were not made available to the hastily assembled press, it went something like this:
"While our action today will not right past transgressions, it will definitely prevent such abhorrent deviations from God's laws being repeated."
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He then read today's momentous Vatican Decree
(which he inferred will soon reappear in the form of a Papal Bull):